Post by hendo on Dec 31, 2018 9:17:28 GMT
As the 2019 raises its skirts and beckons seductively, here is an excerpt from the 'Twenty Yard Screamer' that will be in Saturday's programme....
NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS
Since the ancient Babylonians started making New Year Resolutions over 4000 years ago, this is the time of year when we set our goals for the twelve months ahead.
So what should Godalming Town’s aims be for 2019?
However, before we start taking unrealistic aims at the impossible, cold hard statistics would dictate that we should try a different approach to this annual pot-shot at perfection.
A survey, conducted in 2017 by the University of Scranton showed that 80% of resolutions fail by the second week of February and only 8% make it past the summer.
Logically, therefore, we should aim to get relegated, receive a record number of red cards and have the Weycourt pitch sink slowly into the yawning maw of a waste tip below.
We should hope that the standard of refereeing gets even worse and that all visiting linesmen are over 70 and preferably infirm (or at least qualified to park in the blue spots outside Sainsburys). Failing that they should be allowed to use their disability scooters on the touchline to keep up with play. A couple more promising resolutions would be to dramatically increase the amount of cheating and diving on the pitch (hiring Cove’s No2 as our specialist coach), and aiming to break our own record of using 72 players and 5 managers in one season.
Following our recent habit of adopting kits of every hue (presumably found left in the driers at the Farncombe Laundrette), we should re-register our club colours as a gay pride rainbow combo.
Then, when all those resolutions inevitably fail, we would then be guaranteed promotion by Easter.
Happy New Year to every G!
NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS
Since the ancient Babylonians started making New Year Resolutions over 4000 years ago, this is the time of year when we set our goals for the twelve months ahead.
So what should Godalming Town’s aims be for 2019?
However, before we start taking unrealistic aims at the impossible, cold hard statistics would dictate that we should try a different approach to this annual pot-shot at perfection.
A survey, conducted in 2017 by the University of Scranton showed that 80% of resolutions fail by the second week of February and only 8% make it past the summer.
Logically, therefore, we should aim to get relegated, receive a record number of red cards and have the Weycourt pitch sink slowly into the yawning maw of a waste tip below.
We should hope that the standard of refereeing gets even worse and that all visiting linesmen are over 70 and preferably infirm (or at least qualified to park in the blue spots outside Sainsburys). Failing that they should be allowed to use their disability scooters on the touchline to keep up with play. A couple more promising resolutions would be to dramatically increase the amount of cheating and diving on the pitch (hiring Cove’s No2 as our specialist coach), and aiming to break our own record of using 72 players and 5 managers in one season.
Following our recent habit of adopting kits of every hue (presumably found left in the driers at the Farncombe Laundrette), we should re-register our club colours as a gay pride rainbow combo.
Then, when all those resolutions inevitably fail, we would then be guaranteed promotion by Easter.
Happy New Year to every G!